Chablis, Bonbonnella And Bonzo

by Julian Schultz
julian@oxfordwineroom.com

                     

I was studying the menu of the 15 Chablis wines we were to taste that afternoon: “Oh wow! Yeah! Great wines!” I exclaimed. “From Drouhin, Latour, Domaine Felix, Bouchard, Voceret, Domaine Long Depaquit, Leflaive, Moreau, Mont de Milleu, Simmonet-Febvre, Fourchaume, de Lechet….youngies and not-so-youngies!....My wine glass runneth ov --”

Jim Nicas interrupted, chortling: “Julian, you ain’t seen nuttin’ yet! Wait ‘til you meet busty Bonbonnella Bon-Bon whose bust of – err -- best of her pours from out her blouse, whose almighty cleavage is snow-capped twin Himalaya mountain ridges! She is attending our tasting this afternoon. I guarantee you’ll feel 40 years younger if you taste side-by-side with her…or, err, maybe you’ll wish you were 40 years younger…va va va voom!”

My testy reply: “Jim, I come to taste the wines; I came to praise the wines; I came…not to become buried in amorous titillation, lecherously stimulated…if I understand you correctly.

Jim: “I amazed by you, Julian! You always boast that you were known in your youth as the cavalier Yiddisher Errol Flynn for your envied, admired swordplay.”

“That’s when I was one-and-twenty,” I said dryly. “But, alas! Now I’m nearly two-and-ninety. Hmmm, about then…about when: yes, how true, how true.”

I continued: “Chablis from France is my most sacred of all Chardonnay wines, my uncompromising preference over the lower Burgundy region great Chardonnays, my unequivocal delight over other Chardonnays from the wh-o-o-o-le wide world over.”

“Well, my friend,” said Jim, chuckling, “then you’re in for an unforgettable treat. I have selected 15 premium, prestigious, coveted Chablis’ – the A to Z of these incredible Chardonnays --for this afternoon’s monthly tasting. Incidentally, all are unoaked, except for what nuance of oak they may get from brief barrel fermentation; and all are available at wine shops, except perhaps the Premier Crus 1997 and 1999.”

But who was that fat guy who had been intently listening to our conversation…his big belly quivering like Jello and his fat ass protruding triumphantly? I asked Jim:

“Oh, that is beefy Bonzo Baloom. He is owner of a small vineyard in the Finger Lakes region of New York. He travels far to dine here often…is enamored of Stanley’s cooking. He’s an interesting guy. You should talk with him. I think you will find him your kind of guy.”

I did. I am recounting my impression of him and our conversation – engagingly mostly one-sided from him.

He is a wine raconteur; self-deprecatingly, he alludes to his Shakespeare Falstaffian girth – “so I lard the lean earth” – and applies to himself Fat Jack’s inverted wit: “the brain of this foolishly compounded clay, man, is not able to invent any thing that tends to laughter, more than I invent or is invented on me: I am not only witty in myself, but the cause that wit is in other men.”

This wine guy is something else! A complex, erudite, bon vivant with a devil-may-care personality, an insouciant élan, an egotistical swagger, a mind facile in word and thought.

He personifies these lines from Shakespeare’s “As You Like It”: ‘He uses his folly like a stalking horse and under the presentation of that he shoots his wit (wisdom)’ about his impression of the wines.

I’ll pause here to address the Chablis tasting: Initially when I demurred that I couldn’t raise the aromas, Bonzo said, brusquely, “too cold! Cold inhibits the nose; ergo, the flavor. Cup and warm the glass in your hand; then sip!” He was right.

Petit Chablis La Chablisienne 2005, $16, was hailed unanimously; I rated it 150/100 for quality-price value (QPV). My notes: “understated nose; layered chalky, lemon, green grass, melon flavors; dry, crisp, clean, balanced.”

Chablis Drouhin 2005, $21, offered a soft lime nose; lively lean, green grass, mineral flavors; drier than the Petit; toasty, zesty, long aftertaste; 135/100.

Chablis Latour 2005, $20. Soft nose, lively grapefruit, grassy tastes; clean, crisp, dry, lingering; 135/100.

Bonbonnella took exception to the exchanges between Bonzo and me about the nose: “I don’t give a rat’s ass about the aromas. I don’t drink aromas…I drink flavors!”

Bonzo courteously and patiently informed her that the aromas are transferred through the retro-nasal passages to the palate…and the result is taste.

Of the 15 wines tasted, not one was found wanting. True, the more recent vintages were livelier and more fruited than the older ones -- the 1997 and 1999. Some tasters seemed confused and wondered aloud if the older vintages might have fared better had they been pour before the younger. Bonzo nodded his agreement.

When I proposed that some Chablis were atypical in aroma and taste than most of the others, Bonbonnella snorted disdainfully: “atypical, shmaytypical – so they are different; but goddamn it they all taste good! Why dissect these wines – skewering them like frogs in a biology laboratory so that they lose their vinous virginity?”

Bonzo, laughingly told her that she mixed her metaphor and bestowed a resounding buss on her cheek, congratulating her. Bonbonnella, proudly beaming and now confidently reassured, gave me the finger…twice yet.

In the interest of space, and with Bonzo’s astute descriptor interjections, I’ll describe only the wines whose QPV rating exceeded 100/125.

Chablis by Voceret 2005, $21: woody barrel fermentation, nutty, toasty, lean, austere, dry, lively, zesty, mineral, green grapes, green apples, lemon, some spice; lingering aftertaste. 175/100.

Chablis, Pasqual Bouchard 2004, $21: finesse, vitality, tart green apple, mineral/stony, hint of earth; viscous swallow, long aftertaste. 150/100.

Premier Cru “Vaillons” Chablis, Moreau 2002, $37: ocean swells green nose, tart pineapple, grapefruit, lime skin, zesty, fresh, seashells, green pears, floral nuance, spicy finish, lingering farewell. 135/100.

Bonzo insisted I include the Grand Cru Moreau “Les Clos” 2004, $75, and the Premier Crus’ Latour Fourchaume 1997, $35, and Dafaix “Cote de Lechet 1999, $50. The quality of the older two wines was excellent but their high prices gave me pause. The descriptors are Bonzo’s alone:

Grand Cru “Les Clos” Moreau 2004, $75: “complex, soft, round, alternating pulsation of youthful fruit and layered complexity; lemon, lime spice, dusty stone, hint of iodine, menthol, licorice, citrus; has grip, dense, light oak --”

I interrupted him: “Enough already! I can’t hold my breath any longer listening to your description.”

Bonzo chuckled: “Yes, brevity is the soul of wit. He continued:

Premier Cru “Fourchaume” Latour 1997, $35: “shows age, slightly musty, complexity of old vinous-turning barrel apples, more like an old Meursault or Corton, mature voluptuousness; my kind of thought-provoking, comfortable old wine. I’ll seek it out and buy some.”

Premier Cru “Cote de Lechet” Daniel-Etienne Dafaix 1999, $49: “Has it all! Offers everything by a complex Chablis: well-made, concentrated, focused, tart, lively green apples, lemon, grapefruit, pineapple. Note, Julian, the flinty, mineral underlying flavors, the imposing swallow and in-and-out changing flavors in the aftertaste. Where can I buy this gem?”

Bonzo, after a deep breath: “Yes, my friend, these Chablis have hair on their chests. Yes indeedy. These are not your old Granny’s Sunday afternoon la-de-da Pink Chablis’; not the wines that snow-thatched, trembling, tottering old ladies taste on the terrace with insipid jug wine…delightfully chattering and chuckling about them between sips and savors with petite fours and delicate conversation.”

“Yes, interesting,” I said agreeing. And here this afternoon we tasted 15 variations among bona fide Chablis… And you never quite know what the wines will disclose…how we may be enlightened.”

Bonzo laughed: “Shakespeare in Macbeth said wine is a “mocker,” but it rejoices the heart: first it bestows romance; following that it encourages lechery; then it arrests performance. Yes, it is an equivocator: It provokes lechery and unprovokes it; it provokes the desire, but takes away the performance.”

Bonbonnella listening, snickered: “I don’t think that applies to these wines.” She turned to Bonzo with a shake and a shimmy: “Do these wines like make you feel lecherous?” She added a few more shakes and shimmies.

Bonzo: “Sorry, but they like make me feel to continue tasting. So I’ll stay with the wines, thank you.”

Bonbonnella to me, sarcastically: “Hell, he’s got no stones, no balls.”

Bonzo’s comments about the wines and a variety of his perceptions including the decline of our civilization, comparing it to the fall of the Roman Empire, had drawn a rapt audience… sipping, eating and listening.

He regaled us with humorous narratives: about the cocksure snob who constantly flaunts his knowledge. He was sipping a Beaujolais with his sweet young thing:

“What do you think of ‘maceration carbonique?’ ” he asked, as he gurgled his wine.

She rolled her pretty eyelashes and stuttered a bit. “I suppose it’s all right,” she finally said, “as long as it’s done by consenting adults.” (Maceration carbonique is a process wherein initial fermentation of the juice occurs within the grapes; they are pressed later for final fermentation; the wine becomes more fruited.)

His anecdote was so well received that he followed with the story of a fellow Chevalier du Tastevin: “His wife asked, ‘which gown shall I wear tonight – the peach- or the burgundy colored gown?’

“Wear your old- my favorite red burgundy gown…but be sure the hem is dirty to account for the sediment!”

Bonzo reveled in the rapt attention of his pleasure-minded audience – much more difficult to achieve than when speaking to serious, motivated listeners. I should know: When I would loftily discourse about wine with customary egotistical affirmation, it was goodbye attention to Julian after the second wine had been sipped.

Some speakers, who have better luck than I, resort to tested tricks to regain the interest of their group -- Dr. Bob Ouellette, for instance: At Worcester Wine Tasters and Les Compagnons des Bons Vins meetings, he gives his patented, resounding “Harrumph!” followed by a laser beam stare.

Jim Nicas at the Castle expects devout devotion, reverential attention to his words on wine when we meet each month at his Sunday afternoon tastings.

At his Chablis tasting, I was diverted; I suffered his displeasure:

Bonbonnella sidled up to me, shaking her shoulders and thrusting upward the twin doves of her deeply cleavage-d ample bosom. “Jim suggested I taste with you,” she said archly, fluttering her baby blues and making ready to speak.

“Shhh,” I whispered. “Listen to Jim. You’ll learn something.”

“I don’t enjoy someone droning on about wine all afternoon. It’s fun when we socialize and discuss the wines with one another.”

“Shhh,” I whispered again. “You’ll disturb the tranquility, the solemnity of other consecrated tasters to Jim’s remarks.”

Ignoring me: “Isn’t this Pasqual Bouchard 2004 Chablis, $21, deliciously fruity with its green melon and pineapple tastes?”

“Shhh! Shhh!” I was slightly annoyed.

“It’s got unctuous viscosity, youthful precocity and exquisite balance,” she continued.

“Shhh!!!” I remonstrated somewhat loudly, unable to conceal my displeasure.

“A body like Dolly Parton’s – a fleshy up front, a svelte middle, a round firm finish.”

I realized I was beset with a compulsive kibitzer. “Pa…lease, Bonbonnella!!!” I pleaded.

Uncharacteristic of Jim, he issued a reprimand: “Julian, please stop mumbling over there. You know better!”

What do I do? Fancying myself a gentleman, I couldn’t point the finger at Bonbonnella, yet I dared not risk Jim’s further disapproval.

So I pinched her in the nether area…humm, so soft, so velvety to the touch. So I pinched her again.

“Sir! How dare you!” With an in-your-face flounce of her hips she strode to a group of other tasters, including Dr. Mike Bradbury, who with chivalrous flair, gallantly steered her to the hors d’oeuvres table that was laden with sliced peaches, pears, strawberries, cantaloupe; red and green grapes; blue, Muenster and Cheddar cheeses; hot baguettes and cracker varieties; lamb kabobs, spinach/feta cheese pitas and crab cakes topped with tartar sauce.

She resumed her chattering and flirting -- far away from Jim’s table station and his comments about the wine -- with the affable retina physician/surgeon…the mirror of all courtesy, a courtly knight with a jaunty panache.

I rated the following wines “very good-to-excellent” – 100/100 QPV. All were true to the Chablis style: lean, green, crisp, dry, clean, lively, green apples or grapefruit or lemon/lime – or in combination -- and perfectly balanced. I recommend them and plan to buy some:

Domaine Felix 2004, $20;
Domaine Long De Paquit, $25;
Drouhin “Vaudon” 2004, $25;
Leflaive “Deux Rive” 2005, $23;
Mont de Millieu LaChablisienne 2003, $33;
Simonnet-Febvre “Vaillons” 2004, $23.

So ended yet another educational Sunday afternoon monthly wine tasting with Jim’s usual carefully selected wines and Grand Master Chef Stanley’s incomparable matching hors d’oeuvres. The tastings will resume come September.

Wine Pick: Hogue, Columbia Valley, Late Harvest White Riesling, $10. Just the gem for warm weather sipping with its aromas and flavors of tangerine, dried apricot, powered sugar, mint and cocoa; a delightful best buy!

Wine Pick: Dry Creek Fumé Blanc 2005, $14. Aromas of zesty citrus, grapefruit and lemongrass; flavors of lemon-lime, peppery spice, hints of berry and mineral mingle with transferred-to-the-palate aromas. No need to chase after New Zealand Sauvignons/Fumés; and the price is a big bargain.
 

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julian@oxfordwineroom.com