by Julian Schultz
julian@oxfordwineroom.com

                     

"You said!" Big Bertha Cannon - all six-feet and two-hundred-plus pounds --shook her finger too close to my nose...accusing, ominous, menacing.

Taken aback, intimidated, I asked, "What did I say that apparently has upset you?" 

"You said pompously and triumphantly in your customary over-enthusiastic hyperbole -- in your e-mail promo blurb -- that this Webster House annual July seafood wine dinner, including five brimming bubblies, would surpass all previous shore dinners. And you promised: 'the best of the best of the best in bubblies from Italy, California and France.' You...said! Right?

"Moreover, I remember you once wrote, 'What's more romantic than a slender, graceful wine flute filled with pale shimmering bubbles rising languidly to the surface? You and your beloved look into each other's eyes, slowly raise your glasses, and then sip the cool sensual liquid of the stars.' So I'm expecting to abandon myself to a carefree, exuberant, devil-may-care sensual and sensuous experience - maybe an orgasm or two -- when I am sipping away.

"So...it...had...better...be...there!"

More confident now and less fearful that my well-being might be in jeopardy, I said assertively, "You're damn right I did! If this dinner is anywhere even nearly as good as it was at the trial dinner, especially after Dr. Bob, Chris Liazos, Jim Vasiiiadis, Jeff Ghertler, Don Muraca and I massaged it, putting our asses on the line that the dinner will be a resounding triumph, it...will...be...even...better than what you are cynically questioning and grimly threatening about my e-mail."

"Well," she grudgingly conceded, "it had better be at least as good as your huckster BS blurb promises. In my experience: the more extravagant the promise, the more likely the disappointment. So I'm just advising you, if you have overstated the euphoria that I am told I shall experience with this special wine dinner, the more likely I will have your ass bouncing off the floor. So be warned! 

"And remember, I was a wrestler - I was known as 'Big Bounce -- err, Big Boom Bertha.' I had a patented flying drop kick that sent broads soaring over the ropes. "

I smiled nervously, worriedly, and wiped my brow. I would wait to see where Big Bounce - err, Big Boom Bertha might be sitting and I would seek a place as far away as possible. I hurried into the kitchen to confer with Chef John Hammerstrom, relating my peril with Big Bounce - err, Boom Bertha. I spoke to wait attendants Sean Maynard and Ann Robert and urged them to give BB Bertha extra special attention. "My ass is in jeopardy," I said, pleading; then adding, "And Chef John's padded plump posterior will bounce higher than a tennis ball on concrete."

Need I to have worried? Read on. 

Reception: Saracco Muscato d' Asti, $12.79; toasty aromas with loads of fruit, deliciously and delicately sweet-fruited with enough fruit acids for balance and verve; lively, crisp and clean with modest sparkle; was even more delightful when sipped away with the light Cheddar and aged Swiss cheese and fruit and cracker varieties. Rated 150/100 for price value.

(All wines listed are generously discount priced at O'Hara's Discount Liquors.)

Two look-alike women approached me: "You're Julian Schultz!" one said affirmatively.

"I confess," I said, raising my hand, nonplussed. "Who are you?"

"I am Tushka and this is my twin sister Tzitska. We were told to seek you out and to sit at your table...or to have you sit at our table."

Upon sizing them up - willowy, curvaceous, fore and aft hills and vales conspicuous in the right places, and as beautiful as women in Renoir paintings - I joined their table.

"Upon front," Tzitska said, throwing her shoulders back for upfront emphasis, "I want you to know we're dissenters and are opinionated: We do these wine and food gigs with an objective probing mindset, not with a pre-conditioned expectation to find everything great. And let come hell's fire and brimstone, we tell it 'like it is' and we say what we think. Do you have trouble with that (challengingly)?

"If not then, I'll let Tushka enlighten you and your oft ho-hum yawning readers." 

Tushka: "I note we will have four sparkling wines and one bona fide Champagne. Our recent research discloses that sparkling wines from around the world represent a new sophistication in bubbly execution. Tzitska and I have discovered that the majesty of pinpoint foamies have never sparkled more luxuriantly, ingratiatingly and successfully.

"The days of dull, simple, flavorless sparklies, other than the great inimitable Champagne of France, are now happily over. Producers are developing more cool-climate vineyards, better clonal selections and they leave their wines longer en triage - in contact with character building yeasts left over from second fermentation. So each year, sparkling wines other than Champagne will continue to improve with each passing vintage.

"And now, Mr. Julian, I'll sound like you - unfortunately - when I say -- assuming your hype about these wines was not overstated -- that these non-Champagne sparklers are seductively and disarmingly delicate with graceful dancing vivacity that have the ability to project palateers euphorically over the moon...Oh, revolting rat's ass! I'm out of breath. I needs must pop my well-upholstered posterior into a chair."

A shout from BB Bertha to me: "You (expletive deleted - pretty bad if I won't repeat it), "Where's the big spritz, the big sparkle, the goddamn devil's pitchfork prickle in the glass? This Asti is for wimps and wusses!"

Tushka to me: "What's she qvetching and qvitchieing about?" (Complaining and screeching about.)

I said, "I know. She's disappointed that the Asti's spritz isn't carbonated like 7-Up. She came here with a chip on her shoulder anyway, so I'm glad I'm sitting with your girls and not with the Big Bounce - err, the Big Boom. Moreover, I am ordering case of the Asti for myself, for light summer drinking - can't go wrong at this price!

"I think I'll go over to her table and straighten her out."

I approached a glaring Bertha. "I am neither wimp nor wuss. The virtue of this Moscato lies in the soliciting smile of its bouquet. It is admirable if not lovable; it has varied delicate flavors; it departs after the swallow with a sweet smile and lingering farewell, Bouncing - err, Big Boom Bertha. And I am buying a case. So how does that grab you?"

Bertha half lifted herself from her chair: "You had better haul your ass outta here right quick because I am just about ready to unload my patented flying drop kick on your ass!"

I hauled my ass outta there "right quick" and rejoined the twins. 

So far not so good: I had trepidation that my derriere would be bouncing off the floor or that I might be the reluctant recipient of a patented flying drop kick before the evening was over.

Between Big Boom Bertha and the twin T- and-Ts to contend with, I feared I was in for a nerve-wracking evening.

First course: Scallops Moussaka sandwiched between generous slices of grilled eggplant and embellished with tomato salsa and creamy caviar salad. I begged for seconds - no luck! 

The wine: Rotari Blanc de Noir, $10.39, sparkling wine enhanced the flavors of the scallops moussaka, which really defied improvement. Consequently, I wasn't wary of an outburst from BB Bertha.

My notes: "nose and palate piqued with toast, nuts, pears, lemon; flinty, mineral-y undertone; balanced, smooth, lingering; excellent representation of carefully crafted bubbly at lower price than pedigree wine.

Second course: Fish Stew with mussels, swordfish, haddock, cod in thick gently spiced tomato puree with stewed vegetables...and a subtle smack of Ouzo! I asked for a half-cup more - no luck!

The wine: Bisol Jeio Brut Prosecco, $12.79; sparkling wine brims with fresh peaches, pears and green apples; light, crisp, dry, balanced, smiling swallow; just an excellent wine at a big value low price.

Third course: Salmon Fillet browned mesquite style, poached tender/moist, with soft Cajun spices, wild rice and assorted greens. I asked - no luck!

The wine: Mumm Blanc de Noirs, $17.59, evoked murmurs of delight throughout the room sipped with the Cajun-spices-seasoned salmon preparation and generated hurriedly scribbled orders to O'Hara's Discount Liquors.

My notes: "sensational wine! Alternating aromas and flavors of honey, roses, nectarines, peaches, vanilla, hints of strawberry and caramel; incessant spritz; assertive fruited sweet edge exquisitely balanced by lively fruit acids; zesty, lively, pronounced swallow; forever aftertaste."

Grand entry to die for: Webster House's incomparable BAKED STUFFED LOBSTER with haddock, scallops, shrimp, mushrooms and pulverized blended dressing of crabmeat, mushrooms, cheese and savory bread crumbs. I was so palate satisfied and stomach stuffed that I didn't even ask for more like poor little Oliver Twist - "Please, sir, I want more."

The wine: After much discussion at the trial dinner, we decided upon a Burgundy Chardonnay - Olivier Leflaive "Les Setilles" Bourgogne Blanc 2003, $12.79 -- to pair with a Champagne Duval Leroy, $28.99. And a fortuitous decision it was: The pairing was a blessed event: The varied flavors of the wines lent extended taste dimension and complexity to the lobster.

Bertha hurried over smiling broadly: "Now you've got it right! This Duval French Champagne is gangbusters with the lobster and the dressing. And Dr. Steven Mellor of respected palate agrees with me. Any reservations that I had are now vanished, and I apologize for my earlier hostility."

Tushka: "No, no, a thousand times no! Sparkling wines, whether French or not, are inimical to shellfish, especially lobster. Madam Boom Boom Bounce -- err, Bertha -- you've got it wrong! A still wine: a Burgundy Chardonnay, an Alsatian Pinot Gris, a dry Kabinett Riesling-these are much better than a bubbly wine with lobster.

"I prefer my bubbly matchups with salty cheeses, roasted nuts, foods with savory stuffing; with deep fried chicken, oysters, fish; with subtle Oriental foods - not too sweet or spicy; with corn-on-the-cob, vegetables, eggs, soup; with acidic fruit like strawberries; with ---" 

Bertha, snarling interruption: De gustibus non disputandum est: There is no accounting for taste, and who asked for your opinion, anyway? Moreover, if you're so smart - do you know how the traditional saucer-shaped coupé Champagne glass came into prominence?

"One of you is nodding up and down -- yes; the other, from side to side -- no. So I'll tell you anyway: Marie Antoinette decided to drink Champagne from a glass formed in the shape of her breast, borrowing from a tradition dating back to Helen of Troy when milk was served from containers in the shape of her breast.

"But the coupé glass isn't satisfactory for sparkling wine: It permits bubbles, froth and aroma to escape too soon because of its wide opening. Notice that Chris here is properly serving the bubbly in vertical fluted style glasses."

I was impressed. "Bertha," I said, "How do you, a wrestler, ever come to quote Latin and to know about Marie Antoinette and Helen of Troy? Isn't that anomalous for a person whose 'patented flying drop kick sends broads soaring over the ropes?' ''

Bertha, smiling: "For your info, my pompous snob, who would flaunt his fancied erudition, I wrestle only during the summer months and intersession holidays. At other times, at Southeastern University, I am teaching 16th and 17th century English literature and the culture of remote scruffy African Hottentots and Pygmies in deepest and darkest Africa. I have two PhDs, one in anthropology. My impish coarseness -- grossness, if you will -- is but an expression of my alter ego wrestler persona and my exuberance in my liberation from sterile, stuffy, mundane academia.

"So, dour-faced Mr. Julian, how does that grab you?"

Inanely, "Grabs me by the short and curlies."

She wagged her finger at me - "got you there...well, not really there; nor would I want to" -- and laughingly returned to her table.

Tushka and Tsitska gasped and wiped their brows: "I guess you meet all kinds of strange people at wine tastings and dinners," Tushka said. "But this one beats all!"

Comments about the Leroy were so varied that I will incorporate some of them here: "toasted bread, burnt coffee, lemon"; "strawberry, ripe apple, lime, spice"; "creamy mousse, crisp tight structure, elegant finish, reluctant farewell"; "bread dough, yeast, butter, spice, pear, vanilla, nutmeg, citrus-laced finish"; "elegant depth of flavor, froth from pinpoint bubbles, magnificent with balance of fruit flavors, fruit acids and creamy texture"; "95 points on 100 point scale, a must buy."

My Champagne notes were simpler: "prickly assertive citrus/fresh bread nose; clean, incessantly creaming mousse; pinpoint very tiny, very delicate beads; complex with emerging and alternating varied layered flavors; Champagne at its best." 

My Leflaive notes: "quiet, grassy, melon, subtle lemon and citrus; a diffident fellow traveler who meekly assists and does not upstage the lobster star of the evening."

Dessert: Blueberry Rhapsody, stunningly delicious flavors of large juicy sweet blueberries and whipped cream on top of puff pastry and blueberry puree inside. 

Helena wisely -- thankfully-- chose a light, sweet, delicate dessert that balanced the weight of the substantial all-fish dinner.

Stars of the evening: Orators Don Muraca, Jeff Ghertler of M.S. Walker wine distributors; Gentleman Jim Vasiliadis of O'Hara's; Dr. Bob who discussed still and sparkling wine with lobster; Webster House's kitchen knights of the pots and pans and padded posteriors...

And bright stars: the musical entertainment with vocals and guitar that was a delightful surprise and a superb interlude to the dinner. The team of Betty Casazza and Chief Noda, I hope, will return to add a new dimension to our customary wine dinner pleasure.

They are available for booking: 508 - 587 - 5675 reaches the Chief: 401 - 245 - 4409 for Betty.

Wine Pick: Hail! Hail! Again Australia delivers the goods: Goundrey Offspring Chardonnay 2003, $15-$16. Nose: peach, grapefruit, nuance of cashew nuts and oak; palate: aromas transfer here with added subtleties of vanilla and oatmeal; creamy, rich textured, nicely balanced.

Wine Pick: Goundrey Offspring Shiraz 2003, $15-$16, Nose: cherries, wild berries, peppery spice flood the palate intensified with blackberry/berry fruits, oak tannins, black pepper and complex spices; rich palate impression, smooth swallow, luxurious lingering aftertaste.

Wine Pick Tip: These prices are too low for the premium quality; I predict a quick rise. Buy now, taste promptly, lay in...as I am doing. Wine shops: M.S. Walker is the distributor.

 Email Comments to Julian at:
julian@oxfordwineroom.com