by Julian Schultz
julian@oxfordwineroom.com

                     

Jim Nicas, Castle's sommelier/maitre d', was standing on the drawbridge of his family's gourmet restaurant. He looked into the moat at the nickels, dimes and quarters at both sides as he inhaled the fresh crisp air. He sighed: "I'll need to dive-in before it gets too cold to retrieve the coins for charity."

He looked over my shoulder and grimaced: "Good grief, here comes that Haari Kaackleday guy who describes the wines he tastes in occult language, in language that only he understands, which infuriates our serious tasters."

Haari, in manicured diction: "James, Julian, my sunshine of greetings unto you. James, I am anticipating verve, snap and zest in the Argentine whites and bulging muscles on the palate from the reds. Do I err?

"And, James, will there be any unattached pulchritudinous young ladies, fair to my vision and faithful to my fantasy, to grace this afternoon's tasting?"

I interjected: "If the tasting is so blessed, you may need to contend with me; and, my friend, I am fire-breathing formidable in such romantic environments."

Jim to Haari: "Oh, so you are alone?"

"Affirmative and unfortunately (sigh). It is dolorous and woebegone that I am."

"You sound forlorn and sad," I said.

Jim held open the heavy oak, stained-glass door as we entered the medieval-artifact-laden restaurant. 

Haari: "Yes...I suppose so. You see, my fiancée thrust upon me the unkindest cut of all, a lethal poniard to my heart: She has forsaken me and thrown herself into the arms of my landscaper, Jude the Obscure, who never performs lawn care when it is needed."

"Just like that? No warning, no anything?" I said.

"Oh, she said she and Jude were 'simpatico.' He is blond, tall, handsome, muscular. I, as it is obvious, am the antithesis: just a plain-visaged, dull college professor. Moreover, she said she couldn't abide her being married to someone with the name, Haari Kaackleday."

"Why didn't you put up a fight to keep her, fight for her like any red-blooded he-man would do; a knock down, drag out fight, like I did when my beloved Lillian thought she might marry that dashing mustachioed pantyhose salesman?"

"I tried. I said I would even change my name to Haari Kaackle. She shook her head, no. I said I would change it to Mickey O'Day, a good 'ould' Irish name. No luck there, either. And I was cut to the quick when she said she would be bored, her having to live with a professor of tedious Elizabeth poetry.

"So now I am bereft of female companionship, and I assiduously seek their company. Can Cupid console me with a comely Campaspe in our midst today?"

"I don't know about Campaspe," I said..."But - wait! See over there! There's Scintillating Cynthia: pert and trim of body, vivacious and attractive of personality!" I pointed her out.

"Ah, indeed, yes; most attractive of visage and figure, seductive of deportment, eyes that dance, teeth that flash. I surmise she is flirtatious; I observe she is statuesque; I note her eyes are invitingly come-hither; I see how her tongue slides seductively across her lips.

"I had better move fast: her voluptuous body movements will rally machismo males to her presence with prurient shoulder nudges. Introduce me, please, Julian, before I am outdone and undone."

I introduced them at the hors d'oeuvres table, where Cynthia was surveying the heaped platters of lamb kabobs, swordfish kabobs, goose liver pâté, feta cheese/spinach pita, Cheddar, blue and Muenster cheeses, apples, pears, peaches, nectarines, pineapple pieces, three varieties of grapes, varieties of crackers and oven-warmed chewy wine bread.

I few minutes later, Haari caught my eye and clasped his hands over his head and waved triumphantly.

I had no fear he might strike out with Scintillating Cynthia: I knew Haari to have a quick confident palate and an incisive tongue, albeit his descriptors could be enigmatic and mouth-gaping.

As Haari held his proffered wine glass to Jim for the first pour of Sauvignon Blanc, El Portillo, 2004, $10, he smiled broadly: "These tastings are the best anywhere -- here, there, somewhere, everywhere; eighteen pedigree wines, some world class, and wine to taste and food to eat, galore and galore and oh, galorioso! Pray tell me, what is there not to love here? And now hither comes that Scintillating Cynthia. Truly my wine glass joyously runneth over."

I heard enough and returned to my table where were my container into which I spit the wines and my wine list sheet for note taking.

My notes on the El Portillo: "grassy, pineapple nose; palate: crisp, dry, citrus, lively spice, balanced, smooth." Rated A, 150/100 price value at $10.

Haari tasted the Norton Sauvignon Blanc 2004, $12, and announced: "Observe my hasty sight to the overhead light, my careful sip to the anticipatory lip, my concentrated savor with furrowed brow, and now harken to my grand pronouncement: 'Totally dissimilar from the preceding Sauvignon Blanc: green of unripe apple and green of springtime grass; earthy, crisp, dry, oaky, white stones fresh with morning dew; fruit dozing somnolently now, but will waken.' "

I bought into his assessment - as much of it as I could understand -- and rated it A-minus to A, 125/100 price value at $12.

When Scintillating Cynthia, fluttering her baby browns, asked -- how come wine from the same grape could taste so different, Haari beckoned an audience to him: "There are five styles of Sauvignon Blanc:

"Grassy, Herbal: best described as weedy, green bean, asparagus, herbs, tarragon, rosemary, oregano;
"Melony: cantaloupe, melon, pears, sometimes citrus, lemon, figs;
"Earthy: dusty, smoky, Loire and Graves style;
"Barrel Fermented/Oaky: more like Chardonnay than Sauvignon Blanc;
"Slightly Sweet/No Oak: noticeable residual sugar, accent on ripe fruit, soft smooth flavors."

We tasted two Chardonnays: Pascual Toso 2003, $14; and Catena 2000, $19. I preferred the Catena, rating it A-minus to A, 100/100 price value, for its complexity, crispness and apples, wood, toast and nut flavors.

I overheard Haari: "Pascual Toro: dry crisp fruit, lemon, melon; supple; hints of nuts and toast; elegant, has body and charm; perhaps somewhat nervous and austere, but has breeding and temperament, albeit warily discreet; yes, feminine in deportment. Forsooth, Argentina chard varietals are superior, except for lofty Burgundies. Were they better known they would command much higher prices. "

I hastily hauled my ass away from him, planning to avoid him and his frustrating comments.

I rated none of the wines in the tasting less than B to B-plus. I will list all wines, but will discuss B-plus to A-minus and higher rated wines. 

Pinot Noir 2003, Alamos, $12: fresh strawberry fruit, balanced, light body, smooth, lingering. B-plus to A-minus, 125/100 price value.

Bonarda 2003, Alamos, $15. B to B-plus, 95/100.

Malbec Ecos 2002, $19. B..i..g berry nose transfers to palate and continues its residence; big with varied berry fruits, balanced with black pepper, fruit acids, delicate spice, soft tannin. Straight A, 125/100.

Malbec Salentein 2002, $18. Take your pick; has same characteristics as the Ecos and given similar rating.

Malbec El Portillo 2004, $12, and Broquel 2003, $23, were both rated B-plus; the Broquel price value 90/100; the Portillo 100/100.

A scowling Cynthia corralled me: "Why did you ever plague me with that mind-numbing nincompoop? I could not fathom anything he smugly said. He even quoted a poem about his 'long lost love, my comely comforting Campaspe,' which I didn't understand and moreover I don't give a rat's - err - rear end to understand.

"And who is this Campaspe dame, anyway? Tears were streaming down his flushed cheeks as he was sobbing the poem...Hey, I come here to taste fine wines, eat great food and enjoy spirited companionship."

She nodded affirmatively when I asked her, would she mind if I quoted it? I learned that poem by John Lyly 70 years ago in Dr. Loring Holmes Dodd's European poetry class at Clark University:

"Cupid and my Campaspe played at cards for kisses. Cupid paid.
"He stakes his quiver, bow and arrows, his mother's doves and team of sparrows, and loses them too.
"At last he sets her both his eyes. She wins and...
Cupid blind ...doth rise.
"Ah, Love, hath she done this to thee, what shall -- alas! -- become of me?"

(Maybe not 100-percent correct, but close, I am sure.)

Cynthia, with artful subterfuge, excused herself from further association with Haari, with a prolonged sojourn in the ladies' room; when she returned, Haari, among other lusty males, was entertaining Incendiary Cindy Cinders.

Merlot, Felipe Rutini 2002, $19: Assertive complex wine-y nose, loaded with rich ripe superb mélange of fruit, varied spices and black pepper; beautifully balanced with smooth swallow and forever aftertaste. A to A-plus, 150/100.

Cabernet Sauvignon, Salentein 2002, $18: B to B-plus, 90/100.

Shiraz-Malbec, Dona Paula 2003, $19: Loaded with plum and berries, varied spices, black pepper, soft tannin; balanced, smooth, lasting. A to A-plus, 150/100.

Shiraz, Graffigna 2004, $13: Grape-y nose; plum, grape accents on the palate; fruit acids zest and soft tannin in balance; viscous swallow, lingering aftertaste. A, 125/100.

Syrah, Graffigna "G" 2000, $23: Big berry nose; ripe rich varied fruits underlaid with vanilla, black pepper, touch of smoky toast; firm tannin, velvety balance, smooth swallow. A to A-plus, 125/100.

Syrah, Salentein 2002, $18: B-plus, 100/100.

Clos De Los Siete, Micel Rolland 2002, $19, blended with 40-percent Malbec, 20 Merlot, 20 Cabernet Sauvignon, 20 Syrah: Magnificent sensational complex wine with pulsating flavors of fleshy plum, black currant, coca, mineral, spices; nuances of toast, mint, tobacco, smoke, tar. A to A-plus, 150/100.

Quimera, Achavel Ferrer 2002, $45!! Blend of 38-percent Malbec, 37 Cabernet Sauvignon, 25 Merlot. Haari: "Too young for so immense a wine; deep subsurface fruit; roughness with game, black tea, leather; disjointed, not focused, lacks concentration; hard tannin; arresting and weighty on the palate - think a young Chateau Latour. Give it seven to 10 years to develop into a sensational wine.

"But I cannot rate it; a young strong wine and its high price urge my discretion."

We were socializing now and returning to the wine table for refills of favorites, where Jim was pouring and enlightening novices about the wines they were sipping; experienced palateers joined in, eager to help by adding their insights.

Haari listened attentively, then interjected: "Now taste your favorite wines with the different hors d'oeuvres and note the exciting effect they have upon the other. That is the mystique and pleasure with wining and dining." 

Turning to me, "I say, Julian, where is that heartthrob Cynthia? She seems to have become a wraith, a spirit of gossamer concealment to my searching eye."

As I shook my head negatively, Cynthia materialized waving her glass refill of wine: "Oh, this Graffigna "G" totally seduces me with its myriad of persistent flavors! Julian, what is your take on it?"

I said I rated it highly, but not so emotionally as she did. Wine never seduced me, I added. I left that to what I could see, not drink.

Haari, ashen-faced, had returned from the Castle bar, where he had sipped on "plain old-fashioned carbonated soda water to neutralize my palate and to burp up too much of too good of what I have partaken."

I asked him if he were ill. "I am not sure," he said, breathing heavily. "I met Polly, my ex-fiancée, going into the dining room. She excused herself from her mother and said we should speak.

"She suggested we resume our relationship, and I need not change my name."

"What happened to Jude the Obscure, the lawn care guy?" I asked.

"She said, when she treated him to a gourmet dinner here, he was so uncouth at the table that she was mortified and their 'sympatico' was over. I will quote her litany of his 'repugnant table deportment':

"Clutches wineglass by the bowl and 'quaffs' with both hands -- 'like boorish King Henry Vlll' - not holding the glass by the stem;
"Leans knife and fork against the side of his plate - like a Boy Scout's lean-to tent -- instead of placing them on the plate along the edge;
"Eats, bad enough, not with one elbow on the table, but with both elbows; doesn't keep a hand on his lap.
"Stuffs his napkin into the unbuttoned collar of his tie-less shirt, not neatly on his lap;
"Grunts between each swallow of his food;
"Pushes stray pieces of food to his fork with his finger, not using his knife for that purpose;
"Decries wines as for 'sissies, beer is for good old boys.';
"Conversation on any subject lasts no more than one sentence.

"I felt everyone's eyes on us at our table. I cringed throughout the dinner."

I asked Haari, "So?"

He replied, "No."

Haari sighed and said it was time for "goodnight, goodnight, parting is such sweet sorrow." He thanked Jim for his graciousness at the pouring table, Cynthia for her patience and tolerance; with ostentatious cavalier's sweeping bow and thespian élan, he strode majestically from the room.

Wine Pick: Trinchero Cabernet Sauvignon Reserve "Chicken Ranch Vineyard 2003, $30. Black currants on the nose with blackberries, plums and leather, which are transferred to- and linger on the palate; smooth rich swallow; drinks excellent now, superb in five more years.

Wine Pick: Dry Creek Merlot 2002, $20. Blended with 7 percent Cabernet Franc. Spicy, mocha-scented oak; currant and spice on the nose; palate: ripe rich blackberry and plum with balancing black pepper and soft tannin; long, broad and rich swallow.

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