by Julian Schultz
julian@oxfordwineroom.com

                     


Charlie contentedly sipped away on Bordeaux, Burgundy and West Coast wines in his vacationing employer's wine cellar. Elated, he rubbed his 54-inch waistline as he sipped the wines and incessantly munched on three cheese varieties and bland water crackers.

This was another long awaited opportunity to indulge his thirsty wine palate and insatiable food appetite as he shared with himself his employer's carefully collected wines and expensive imported "wine" cheeses.

Charlie was a butler - "a gentlemun's gentlemun, if you please" -- and a "wine bibulanté par excullonce (sic)," he would boast to our Worcester Wines Tasters (WWT) palateers.

At such times after he had safely accessed the cellar, he would smugly regale us with vineyard names, wine producers and vintage years of the pedigree wines he had tasted.

Good Dr. Bob Ouellette, our WWT chief, would frown and grimace uncomfortably when Charlie, with this report, would interrupt his remarks, but he said nothing: Charlie had an air about him: austere, refined, self-assured, aloof, haughtily disdainful, that engendered respect and, in some people, intimidation.

Dr. Bob said he had already received Charlie's check for the 2005-2006 WWT monthly tasting meetings.

"We must do something about Charlie," he said. "He always speaks when he wants to, interrupting me, when I always speak when I want to."

I said I would cogitate on the problem.

I recalled the time I first met Charlie at a Castle Restaurant wine dinner. I was at an adjacent table for eight. He sat alone at a table for four: "That's my preference," he said. "I am hale fellow, gregarious, when I choose to go to people; but I am remote fellow, private, when people choose to come to me."

He explained: "When I go to people I am in control and I can project my agenda; when they come to me, they have their agendas to advance to an uninterested me. So I am content to enjoy this gourmet dinner and James Nicas' prestigious wines, my being a inspired companion to my self alone, without my being anesthetized by others' ho-hum small talk."

Within a half-hour dining room was filled; people were at the entrance waiting, anxiously seeking vacant seats. I overheard Jim ask Charlie, would he mind if two others joined him?

Charlie wrinkled his nose, grimaced and reluctantly nodded. Two men, already wine infused from their warm-up sipping at the bar, plunked themselves into their seats and continued their conversation.

Later Charlie ruefully filled me in:

"Party of the first part said that friends of his, the Kraft's, had just recently hired a 'veddy, veddy' proper British butler.

"One day, shortly after he was engaged, and the Kraft's were about to leave the house to attend a theater matinee, Mrs. Kraft told him to set the table for four: two guests, the Cohen's, for dinner.

"Upon returning from the theater, Mrs. Kraft saw the table was set for eight.

"Mrs. Kraft was nonplussed: 'I thought I said I wanted the table set for four, for two guests, the Cohen's.'

" 'Yes, Madam, you did, and I had set it for four, but then the Cohen's called and said they were bringing the Blintzes and Knishses.'

"The two men laughed hilariously, slapping their thighs, gasping what an idiot that butler was. One turned to me and asked; didn't I see the humor in the story?"

"I didn't answer: I am the Kraft's butler."

Charlie laughed, saying he was unfamiliar working for Jewish people and was ignorant of their ethnic food. He thought the incident funny, he said, an enjoyed a good laugh at himself.

I reported this to Dr. Bob: "I fail to see how this solves my problem with who does the talking at our Worcester Wine Tasters meetings, he or I."

"Well, how about this? Instead of blind-bagging the announced premier French wines at our WWT September 12 meeting, put plonky Algerian wines in the bags. That will embarrass him and should shut him up after he snobbily extols what he thinks are prestigious French wines."

Bob frowned, "Too devious, Julian, and you know I am not a devious person. So go home and do some more cogitating for a viable solution."

"Aha, the inspiration just hit me! I will have Chris invite him to the Webster House Alsatian wine dinner next week and have Chris seat him with Nellie Neverstop...What a battle of tongues that should be. My money is on Nellie. Hell, she even out talks you!"

"How will that solve my problem?" Dr. Bob dubiously asked.

"When Charlie complains to me about his having suffered headache and chest pains from Nellie's full speed, incessant, countenancing-no-interruptions evaluations of the food and wines, I will inform him that he is similarly obnoxious at our WWT meetings and that he should cool it, and permit you to orate away like a modern day Demosthenes to your heart's content and to enable you to deliver us into the arms of Morpheus with your trained anesthesiologist skill."

"Genius, Julian!" Dr. Bob exclaimed. "That should do it. Really, I didn't think you were so smart."

Came the evening of the dinner; Chris had seated Nellie and Charlie at the same table with ever-patient Mike and Virginia Ursin. I joined them, should I be needed to maintain order.

All prices listed reflect O'Hara's 20-percent discount on these connoisseur coveted wines.

Reception: Standing around and non-stop pop-pop-popping handfuls of rare imported Muenster cheese and juicy red grapes into his ever agape mouth and sipping, refilling, resipping, refilling the welcoming wine of Zind-Humbrecht "Zind" 2002, $22.99, Charlie evaluated the wine to anyone who cared to listen: 

"Powerful, exotic, oranges fruited aromas; rich, unctuous, rounded fruit flavors; nicely balanced with good tart fruit acidity; soothing swallow, amiable aftertaste. Very favorable price value at $22.99."

We were seated for the appetizer course: Mushroom Tart with a variety of deliciously seasoned steamed and sautéed mushrooms in delicate pastry was cheerfully consumed with Kreydenweiss "Krit/Les Charmes" Pinot Blanc 2002, $14.99. Superb price value for this Burgundy-styled unfamiliar wine underlayed with pear, green apples and mineral flavors.

First course of Trout Almandine with crunchy slivered almonds, sauce comprising cream, Riesling wine and Frangelico liqueur, and tender asparagus spears was paired with the exalted, coveted, rare Zind-Humbrecht "Herrenweg de Turkheim 2002, $29.99. Don't gasp at the price, save the gasp for your first sip. Sensational!

"Delicious! The food, the wine, the pairing. I would say--" Charlie was interrupted.

"Exceptional! The combination, the integration, the imagination. I go on record --" Nellie was interrupted.

Charlie: "Please, Madam, you interrupted! Never interrupt, Madam, when I--"

"I am not a 'madam,' sir! For I am neither pimp-ass procurer, nor do I operate a whorehouse! And, sir! I am about to profoundly evaluate this wondrous wine and this tantalizing trout, so continue to keep your thick tongue busy by rapaciously ripping into the food to which your eager eyes are gluttonously glued. 

"The Turkheim! Strong character, super aromas and flavors, classic fruitiness from magnificently fermented juice of the grape; rich, suggestive of smoke; idles luxuriously on the palate with velvety viscosity; languidly slides down the throat with sorrowful swallow and refuses to depart for reluctant farewell.

"The trout! Did ever a more savory, tender, moist, crisp, herb-varied preparation of this delicate inhabitant of the silvery lake awesomely mesmerize any gourmet palate with such indescribable deliciousness? And, pray tell me, how did that Chef John Hammerhead - err, strom, so expertly remove the tiny annoying bones inherent in the dish?

"I must recount a near-similar experience at our annual dinner of 'Ye Man Mating Mamas of Ye Lascivious Leering Ladies' when -- " 

Charlie rushed over to Chris with me in tow, his 54-inch waistline quivering like hot jelly over pancakes, his harried face bereft of its usual ruddy-red glow - replaced with sepulchral ghastliness:

"Get me out of there! I implore you! What a horrid, exasperating, infernal woman I am with! Imagine, she is always speaking in a stream of rhetoric when I am always wishing to speak in a stream of rhetoric. Someone less civilized than I might say she is grinding my gonads to goop!"

"Sorry, Charlie," Chris said, "but I don't understand."

"She is saying, if I do not refrain from interrupting her she will 'tether my testy testes to my toes.' She may have said 'nose.' What a witch! Hecate, mistress of the Macbeth witches, is Pollyanna compared to her; worse than that Greek broad, Medusa, with snakes in her hair, who hustled kinky guys seeking kinky sex."

"I'm still confused," Chris said. "Just what is she threatening to do?"

"Well, in your American street-educated vernacular: She is out to cut my balls off. Please, please! Spare me from her venomous verbosity. Place me elsewhere, anywhere...or send her to Outer Mongolia." Charlie was trembling: "I do not wish that I must henceforth speak in high coloratura soprano."

Hmmm...Where was the austere, refined, self-assured, aloof, haughtily disdainful, forbidding Charlie? Was he all façade? Merely an icon of an iceberg that Nellie Nonstop had melted like snow in July with her raging torrent of rushing words?

I took Charlie away from Chris: "See, Charlie? This is how most of us at Worcester Wine Tasters feel when you behave the same as you are now protesting Nellie's behavior. Only Dr. Bob's forbearance and patience keep him from expelling you from the group. Might I suggest you mend your ways...please?"

Charlie thought a moment, then loudly: "I swear it! I will do! I will apologize! Yea, verily-verily! To Dr. Bob! To our group!"

Dr. Bob overhearing most of the conversation, called out, "No need to apologize to me or to the group. Your modified behavior will suffice satisfactorily."

Dr. Bob turned to me: "We'll need to monitor his activity, especially at the September tasting. No telling how he may react. I have in mind, Dr. Harry Pappas, anesthesiologist, computer expert and Confucius disciple who quotes, 'Man who suddenly change course to roundabout reverse direction will bump big-time into buxom, blonde, blowzy, bombshell broad.' "

"I don't get it," I said.

"Neither do I," Dr. Bob said. "But it sounds so intellectually deep. I don't dare dispute him, lest he refuse to help me solve my daily problems with the infernal computer."

Chris seated Charlie at a small table in a corner by the bar, where we noted he solemnly evaluated the wine and food, speaking at length to himself.

The Cornish Game Hen course with Kuentz-Bas Pinot Gris 2001, $18.99: I wasn't able to take a deep breath long enough to express aloud my delight with the flavor and tenderness of the hen, augmented with steamed noodles and potato pudding, when Nellie shouted: "Bravo! Bravo! Bravo! Even the skin is thin and crisp and -oooooh - so delectable! Impossible for me not to eat every shred of every bitsy morsel in the savory meat and in the sauce of tarragon, Riesling wine and heavy cream that accents the outer layer sensational skin.

"So diet, be damned! My carefully controlled curvaceous, seductive, voluptuous figure, be damned! I shall eat this little chicky - even the bones - and leave my plate as naked as this morning's jocund dawn that bathed the misty mountaintop with pinkish glow. And the Pinot Gris, expectedly, is apricot and apple fruit laden, spicy, honey-ish and smoky, albeit crisp, clean, dry, and magnificently balanced, and--"

As wild-eyed, Virginia Ursin rushed to Dr. Bob's table I desperately grabbed her arm to impede her. She tore away: "That Nellie person is a non-stop motor mouth! Mike is so tormented by her torrent of thoughts that he says doing death-defying loop-the-loops in his antique helicopter would be more relaxing. Can you get Chris to change our seating location before both of us faint dead away and fly loop-the-loops with angel pilots?"

Dr. Bob suggested I join Charlie, that Virginia and Mike join him.

Charlie greeted me cordially: "You are welcome, Julian...but speak only - just speak only! --when I speak to you; your respectful silence will be a sanctified blessing."

I agreed. I studied the menu for the Veal with fresh herbs and a novel accompaniment of German noodles and sauce of Santenay wine, Dijon mustard, tarragon, chives, parsley and heavy sour cream. 

Two proud prestigious Burgundy wines elevated the slab cut of the tender, herb-accented veal and - from the pleased murmurs - enhanced the patrons' pleasure with the flavor and unique presentation of this grand entrée.

The wines: Givry 2002, $15.99, Chofflet-Valdenaire. Round, soft, with accents of blueberry, black cherry and black currants; rich, amiable, with easy black pepper and friendly spices; nicely balanced; augments the delicate veal flavor without dominating. 

Santenay Premier Cru "Clos des Mouches" 2002, $26.99, Vincent Girardin. Rich, robust, fruited wine; flowery nuances; properly fruit, acid, tannin and texture balanced; smooth spicy swallow extends long into the aftertaste. Alternating each wine with the veal provided a potpourri of taste pleasures.

Dessert: Linzer Tarte and Zind-Humbrecht Gewurztraminer Herrenweg de Turckheim 2002, $37.59, concluded the dinner. This time many of us joined Nellie who again was unrestrainedly bravo-ing.

The diet destroying, albeit hedonistically satisfying, Linzer Tarte elicited pleas for more from the less diet disciplined among us, including one Julian Schultz. I observed no seconds to anyone, including salivating me.

Although I am not an enthusiast of the aromatic Gewurz, surprisingly I enjoyed the rose sweet-ish, varied fruits, sweet spice flavors and pecans nuance of this rich wine; but best appreciated before tasting the sweeter Tarte. My miserly instinct vanished and I enthusiastically ordered three bottles, which I will hoard fors sipping greedily alone.

As I was bidding Charlie goodbye, Nellie passed; with a scornful boom-boom of her hips at him, a derisive thumbs down, and a disdainful toss of her head she strode from the room.

"Oh well, at least I can leave here, my testicles still encapsulated, not emasculated by that repulsive person." Charlie and I shook hands and spoke about September with the WWT.

Kudos to guest speaker Tim Laskey, Fine Wines Specialist, Martignetti Companies, whose enlightening discussion of the incomparable virtues of the Alsatian wines generated eager orders for Jim Vasiliadis, who also assisted in speaking and pouring. Special accolades for waitress Debbie Byrne and hostess/manager Jo-Ann Woupio; both pitched in, served and poured. 

Wine Pick: Dry Creek Heritage Zinfandel 2003, $15-$17. Taste this 15 months barrel-aged beauty, blended with 16 percent Petite Sirah for uniqueness. Sniff aromas of cherry, currant, with hints of vanilla and black pepper; nuances of clove, mint and oak. Palate: cherry, currant, spice, hints of dark chocolate; some black raspberry and cherry/berry fruit lushness. Superb wine of excepetional price value.

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julian@oxfordwineroom.com