by Julian Schultz
julian@oxfordwineroom.com

                     
After planning wine dinners with wines of Alsace, Italy (three times), Spain, Greece (five times), France (thrice), Australia, South Africa, Chile, Argentina...finally, finally, finally - thank heavens, finally!: Chris Liazos of the Webster House, Jim Vasiliadis of O'Hara's Discount Liquors, Dr. Bob Ouellette of impeccable palate, and doddering old wine taster of Julian Schultz (me)... 

...We agreed that we should do a wine dinner...with CALIFORNIA WINES! The great Tobin James wines of Paso Robles! Yeah! Hurrah! Hurray! 

We did the usual preliminary trial dinner. But this time we massaged it with our most serious concentration to prevent brickbats from being hurled at us and to ensure that Chris' ever-loyal palateers and gourmets would revel in sublime sipping and superb supping. Moreover, as further insurance, we had local Tobin James sales rep, the lovely statuesque Wendy Leo, participate in the wine pour and food matchup discussion. 

Did we succeed? Read on:

The dinner was momentous with exquisite dining and spirited camaraderie.

If you had not attended, I extend my sympathy most sincerely and urge that you attend the wine dinner next month, Wednesday, October 26, 6 p.m., with Italian wines, and a chef John Hamerstrom customary creative matching menu.

Old friend, though young of years - anyone under 80 is young to me - Zo-Hotsie Burns renewed our acquaintance. 

Now, Zo-Hotsie has a phobia about being in the company of wine snobs and wine bores. When she inquired of me about the possibility wine snobs attending the dinner, I assured her that wine snobs are not suffered kindly at Webster House wine dinners. About bores, I didn't answer...because - sob! sob! -- I may be one.

So...

Somehow a wine snob materialized, and thereby hangs a tale.

We were at the welcoming table, sipping "Sundance" Sauvignon Blanc 2004, $11.99 (after O'Hara's 20-percent discount, as are all the prices discounted on wines poured at the dinner) and savoring puffs with blue cheese and California plum, when we observed an infrequent guest, Snapper Peenese, deliberately drawing attention to himself with an exaggerated tasting ritual:

Moving to a conspicuous area, he held his wine high over his head to the bright light above him, sighting: "As bright as the fresh dew at jocund morn," he muttered, but deliberately loud enough to be overheard.

Holding his glass by the rim beneath the stem with thumb and forefinger, he swirled - first slowly, then furiously - to observe the wine's climbing up the inside the glass and its legs slowly descending, swirling: "Humm! Slow legs significant of viscous alcohol and glycerol, bodes for the best."

Bringing the wine to his nose, closing his left nostril, he sniffed and frowned; closing his right nostril, he sniffed and frowned again. He waited perhaps 15 seconds and inhaled with both nostrils, sniffing: "Ah, yes, dry, grassy, oaky, melony, passion fruit; light body, clean, crisp, balanced; everything nice; zesty and flirtatious, lasciviously seduces the palate."

Slurping, gargling, chewing, grunting, sloshing the wine throughout his mouth, emitting disconcerting sounds, he raised his bucket for spitting to his mouth, savoring: "As weasels suck yokes from eggs of birds, I approach and seek the flavor of wine likewise."

Casting his eyes around, hoping for rapt audience attention, he spit into the bucket, spitting: "I am content to 'dry swallow.' After expectorating I retain about 75-percent of the flavor in the farewell; and I have maintained the gentility of sobriety as well as propriety."

Placing his wine glass on the counter, he addressed a disappointingly meager audience, speaking: "Now for a summation of my evaluation of this Sauvignon Blanc wine and its compatibility with the hors d'oeuvre. I ---"

Chris announced dinner was being served; everyone should please immediately adjourn to the tables.

Zo-Hotsie, to avoid her being at the same table with the Snapper excused herself to the ladies' room; I sojourned to the men's room. 

When we returned, we saw him at the back of the room, sawing the air with arms gesticulating and mouth open.

Appetizer course: ripe avocado stuffed with crab and shrimp, accented with cucumber, red and green leaves and shredded carrots. Sensational!

Consorting and consenting wine: "Radiance" Chardonnay 2004, 14.5-percent alcohol - not a wine for the timid palate -- $11.99. Nose and layered flavors of pulsating pineapple, grapefruit, pear, apple, mango, kiwi, oak, subtle vanilla. Overwhelming!

First entrée: fig/apple stir-fried white meat chicken on brown rice, complemented with cashews, carrots, snow peas and scallions. Murmurs of delight initially generated with the appetizer course now rose in decibels with the chicken entrée paired with "The James Gang" Riesling Reserve 2004, $11.99.

My notes: "fermented grape perfume nose; palate: candied apples, pears, peaches, subtle complexity of grapefruit, lemon, lime; crisp, clean, dry, balanced, zesty lively swallow."

The salmon entrée that followed was accompanied by a gentle monster, a 15.5-percent "Ballistic" Zinfandel 2003, $14.99. I ordered three bottles...that at my advanced age I don't need. Spectacular!

My notes: "rich jammy portlike fruit floods the palate; varied spice complexity; berries, mint, leather; subtle black pepper and tannin. With five years cellaring, tasters will indeed go 'ballistic' when they taste."

Oh, about the paired entrée: pan seared salmon fillet with grilled Romaine and citrus vinaigrette; a hint of maple syrup on the Romaine topped with vinaigrette sauce of orange, tarragon, scallion and Dijon mustard. Chef John Hammerstrom outdid himself and in so doing pleasingly pampered persnickety palates.

While we awaited the next course and digested the perfection of the dinner, Zo-Hotsie resumed the discussion of wine snobs and bores. I related an experience:

I said, when you taste with wine snobs it is better not to be intimidated. Either you out-snob them or try to yank them down to a less pretentious level.

I faced this decision when I heard an insufferable snob refer to the wine's finesse, breed, robe, farewell, as being "outrageously cunning," "melodramatically arresting," and "deliciously hedonistic."

That was the time when Dr. Bob Ouellette and I had been invited to attend a prestigious wine tasting in Lowell. We tasted and judged 12 classified wines of the just-released, much heralded Bordeaux 1986 vintage.

Bob cautioned me about playing the distracting jester or behaving embarrassingly contentious: "because, after all, we won't be tasting with your sorely-tried tolerant friends."

I promised. Although the host wanted us separated, Bob insisted that we sit together - to monitor my behavior. It didn't help.

The first flight of wines comprised Mouton Baron Philippe, Haut Bages Liberal, Duhart Milon and Haut Batailley. They were poured from numbered glass decanters.

"How come," I questioned, "you decant an infant current vintage? It's so young it hasn't precipitated sediment."

The host's reply: "The wine breathes better - opens faster - in a wide-mouth decanter than in a bottle with a 25-cent piece aperture. 'Infant' (sarcasm here) wines do need to breathe."

Good enough answer. I suggested that by vigorously swishing the wine in the glass, breathing is also accelerated. Nonetheless, I grudgingly gave credit to the now-perceived enemy.

Just as I expected, sounds of solemn sniffing, sipping, sloshing, gurgling, grunting, humming and aahing pervaded the hot air that kept rising above our table of 12 palateers.

Bob and I were more restrained, concentrating with quiet dignity on the wines. Our host commented on our reserved mien: "You fellows are subdued and very serious."

"Each of us expresses his vinous personality in his own way," I said disdainfully. "And with us you are witnessing classic wine deportment." My frowning good doctor Bob grimaced a grim warning my way.

I was awed by the intensity with which the other tasters probed the wines. They plumbed their noses down to their ears into their wine glasses, seeking to discover and enunciate aromas and flavors, most of which I couldn't remotely discern.

Bob's admonition to me notwithstanding, I stood up and challengingly delivered the first of my oenological proclamations:

"I let the wine come to me," I said. "I don't go to the wine. That is, I don't try to extrapolate qualities so hidden in them that they require a hyperactive imagination to discover them, such as unfortunately I am witnessing this evening."

Disbelief, frowns, raised eyebrows and hostile loud silence followed. Some members left their chairs, stretched, scratched and walked around me glaring while massaging their wine glass-holding fingers. Others remained seated and voraciously chewed on crusted bread, intermittently sipping their "clarets." In Great Britain, Bordeaux wines are referred to as clarets, but infrequently here.

It was OK, though. I had witnessed bona fide wine snobbery and became comfortable with it. I decided to lay some purple-prose snobbery of my own on the Lowellites.

I said the just-released Baron Philippe and Duhart Milon, both Rothschild connected, were still "mewling and puking infants not yet able to produce palate perfection and had many miles to go before they might delight."

Nods of unexpected affirmation so surprised me that I could hardly restrain myself from laughing. Now encouraged, I weighed in with more elaborate wine snob nonsense, using expressions about some of the wines that followed: 

"Its big body lards the lean palate, promising longevity and emphasis in the farewell"; 
"The Grand Puy Lacoste exemplifies the theory of 'evolution' - will evolve to perfection with time; I dismiss that it reflects 'intelligent design' by the winemaker"; 
"The tremendous long nose of the Lynch Bages detects billowing aroma signals of haunting smoke, representative of our American Indian's communication."

Patient good doctor Bob lost his patience with me and tugged at my arm: "For heaven's sake, Julian, zip it up! You are an embarrassment!"

Undaunted, I delivered one last evaluation:

"The Mouton is as awkward as the whining schoolboy, with his satchel and shining morning face, creeping like snail to vinous maturity. But in 10 years it becomes a blockbuster that will send even the strongest seasoned food quivering with fear at the dinner table."

"Hear, hears!" from around the table, including applause and flattering statements about the sophistication of my palate, indicated my acceptance into the Lowellites wine snobbery fraternity.

Zo-Hotsie, rapt with attention, listened open-mouthed: "Well, did you join? If you did, forgive me for my nasty thoughts about wine snobs and bores."

I assured her that I didn't join the snobs, and said again that I am a fellow-traveler of wine bores - so say friends and enemies.

She kissed my cheek and said, "You are a most charming bore."

Waitresses, lovely heartthrobs Lynn Beardsley and Ann Robert, assisted by ever smiling ever graceful Wendy Leo, properly poured two red wines before the third entrée: "Made in the Shade" Merlot 2003, $14.99, a 14.9-percent biggie, and "Notorious" Cabernet Sauvignon 2002, $14.99, a not-so-anemic 13.8-percent hefty palate prominence.

Zo-Hotsie and I sipped each wine, alternating between them. We agreed the Merlot, although perhaps temporarily closed of nose, was more favorable. But we would await the entrée for final determination.

Came now a tender, medium-rare, avocado crumb-encrusted tenderloin beef filet with asparagus spears and roasted potatoes, in a sauce of Hollandaise style Dijon mustard. Result: Merlot more compatible with the filet, although both wines reflected perfection in pairing. I ordered three of the Merlot and can't wait to retaste.

My notes. Merlot: "plum, blackberry/blueberry, cherry, currant, tarry; soft velvety texture; balanced with easy black pepper and tannin; smooth swallow, lingering aftertaste."

Zo-Hotsie's contribution of "oozing plum juice, fruit cake, summer pudding, beetroot, tobacco pouch," left me so bewildered that I was about to suggest she join the Snapper at his table.

My Cabernet Sauvignon notes: "No nose, should open with time; palate: like 'tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow, it will creep in its petty pace from day to day' 'til it reaches the last syllable of bottle maturity; then, ah, then! The aroma, flavor, texture, structure and finish will enable us to enjoy the polished tastes of its nascent currant, wild berry, cherry and nuances of herb and oak."

"I'm sorry, Julian," Zo-Hotsie said, "but I think you should exile yourself from me and sashay to smug wine snob Snapper. Next to snobbery, I detest obscure verbosity."

I apologized for committing murder most foul to Shakespeare's "Macbeth" and was forgiven. 

Can perfection be exceeded? Yes! Helena Liazos' delicate and delicious vanilla flan with fresh fruit salsa varieties and slivered cashew nuts, was paired with dessert-style Zinfandel wine, NV "Charisma," $21.59, a 17.1-percent complex strawberry, raspberry, guava, mango, nectarine, peach palate triumph. Balanced with zesty fruit acids, Charisma's varied fruit flavors, absent cloying, engendered repeated sipping. Its dark blue, slim, square, unique cobalt bottle is coveted as a collector's item.

Now, a word about ebullient winemaker/proprietor, Tobin James, who regaled us with humorous, oft deprecating anecdotes about himself and his wines. Rapid fire and animated in his delivery, Tobin uses his folly like a "stalking horse and under the presentation of that" he successfully promotes his wines.

He needn't have so extended himself: His superlative wines promote themselves.

Wine Pick: Three Thieves JUG Pinot Noir 2004, $10-$11, for big one liter jug; blended with 25-percent Syrah, its aromas and flavors of cherries, berries, violets, spice, cherries and vanilla are a purse perfect delight; soft tannins and fruit acids add complexity and balance.

Wine Pick: Goundry Offspring Shiraz 2003, $15-$16, from Western Australia. Repeat wine pick of a super wine. Nose of cherry, blackberry, varied berries, peppery spice transfers to palate and is met with lush, rich sweet varied berries, vanilla oak, soft fruit acids and firm tannins. Just a delectable wine!

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